J.A.B.

So, we've decided to move and we're getting pretty excited about it. Now, our attention has turned to our pooch Jab. He's got another bad ear infection. We've already taken him to two different vets three different times. The first vet said he had ear mites and gave us a ear solution ($80+ visit). But, the problem didn't go away. The 2nd vet said he had an ear infection. Gave him a shot, give us antibiotics to give him, and two different ear solutions ($200+ visit). We followed all the directions and he was really improving and doing better for awhile. Then we started to notice that every time he'd get excited he'd start to shake his head. So, we took him back to the vet and we were told that sometimes dogs with floppy ears can have chronic ear problems. And he just had "problem ears". So, now even thou Jeremy is cleaning his ears 2-3 times a week the problem seems to be back bad again.

     We just don't know what to do. We of course want to take him to another vet... a better vet. Not some discount mini-mall vet like last time. But, even that visit was $200+ dollars. We just don't have the extra fundage right now. It's terrible. I feel like a horrible pet owner. Part of me says I should find another home for him, one that can afford to take care of his chronic ear problem. But, a bigger part of me says no way. He's the sweetest, best trained, most wonderful dog. I don't wanna loose him as my pup. Plus, he's great with Logan and I can't wait to watch them grow together.
Jab never whines or complains but with all the head shaking I know it's just driving him CRAZY. I really wish we could make this just go away. :(

To move or not to move....??



Us at our Current Rental House that we Love

 So, as I've already vented we're having some problems keeping up on our bills. Luckily our landlords have been pretty cool about it. However one can only be cool for so long when it comes to money.
  Jeremy's boss Dustin has a house very very close to the shop they work at. He has a house with a fully furbished basement. Recently it became available and he told Jeremy he'd like us to move in. It's the same size or bigger than our current place. 2 bedrooms a media room, kitchen, living, laundry closet, full bath, and fully fenced back yard. Also Dustin lives upstairs and has a dog himself. So, our pups could have fun playing together.

We currently pay $1000 a month for rent. Nothing included. Just rent. The basement would be $900 a month EVERYTHING included. W/S/G, heat, electricity, cable, Internet. It would save us upwards of $300 a month.

Our current place has old Berber carpet. The new place has brand new nice carpet. The media room comes furnished with a 62" tv, surround sound, and computer. I love our current kitchen so much. The new place has a much smaller kitchen than I'd like. With a half size stove.. I mean, we would literally have to cut Papa Murphy's pizza's in half to cook them.

Dustin and Jeremy work together and Dustin doesn't like the idea that we only have one vehicle and Jeremy takes it to work everyday, leaving me at home with the baby and no transportation. Dustin said him and Jeremy would commute to work together. Which would also save us some money on gas. Also, if Jeremy had short days he could take a work truck back home.

Lastly, I informed Dustin of our current rent situation and how understanding our landlords have been. Dustin said, not only would he also be cool and understanding and not do any late charges or anything.... But, being Jeremy's boss he would pretty much guarantee that Jeremy got hours so there wouldn't be a problem paying rent.

I'm on the fence. We already have storage issues, and this place has even less storage.
Moving sucks. Period. The next time we moved I was hoping to move to a larger place to prepare for a 2nd baby. Yet, the pro's are really good. Saving $300 + a month is pretty much our car payment. Plus, the bonus of more hours and carpooling to work......

I don't know what to do?

Any thoughts or advice??

Been in a Funk

I've been in some sort of funk lately that I just can't seem to shake. I'm always the one who tries to stay so positive for our family's sake. Always saying, "Don't worry we'll make it through.. we always do...". But, it doesn't mean I am not stressing too. And when your landlord sends you a 3 day pay or vacate notice instead of a Christmas card things get really heavy.
We knew going into this new job for Jeremy it would be slow to start. But, damn. I am at least grateful he has a job he really likes, and that he's proud of. I guess my funk started with the hopes of my new weekend job slipping away. I came off so confident about it. I was sure I had it. But, it was just a working interview and when I called back to see if I was supposed to be back this weekend they said they had another working interview to do and they'd call me back.
The daycare thing is great. But, I just have 1 baby 20-26 hours a week. That's not bringing in much money. However it is bringing in about how much I would bring home if I worked full time and had Logan in daycare full time.
I just feel like our hole keeps getting deeper and deeper and I just don't know how we're gonna get out of it. It's scary. I try and tell myself there are many people going through these hard times in this economic depression. I guess it's just hard to feel like you're not doing the best by your baby. We don't even have a Christmas tree, and the only present we have for Logan is some used baby clothes. I'm glad he's too young to realize what's going on and I really hope we have our shit together before he's old enough to realize it. Hopefully one day it's something we just look back on and laugh. "Boy times we're tough for us in the begining...".
It's just damn depressing.

Sleeping Arrangements

Since we brought Logan home from the Hospital he's either slept in our bed or in a bassinet next to our bed. I would've liked to do some more bed sharing but, I was more nervous about Jeremy in the bed then myself. He even accidentally elbowed Logan in the head one time. The bassinet was nice thou cause I could just sit up and see him right there next to me. Being able to make sure he didn't have blankets over his face and that he was breathing.

I didn't know when I would be ready to let him sleep in his own crib and his own room. It's such a comfort to have him within arms reach and to be able to just swoop him up and feed him right in bed when we're both tired.

Recently Logan got a little cold and the congestion had him up every 1-2 hours. Even after he was recovered he was still getting up frequently. Possibly because he still needed extra nutrients to get over his cold.

Also, he started moving and making a lot more little noises in his sleep which were constantly getting me up. When Daddy's alarm clock when off in the morning, that would get Logan up.
Finally I felt ready..I thought it might be time.. for both of us.. to let Logan sleep in his very own crib in his very own room.

The first night was rough! Not for Logan... for Mommy. I had a terrible dream that I left Logan home alone because one of my neighbors was gonna come over and check on him. But, the neighbor was gone and no matter what I did I couldn't get back home. I kept running into problems. So, I was calling everyone I could to see if they could go over and check on him. I finally made it home and my brother was kneeling over his lifeless body. I woke up in a panic. Threw the blankets off and ran into Logan's room. Picked him right up and held him and kissed him.

  How silly. Maybe I wasn't quite ready yet? The nights since have been great. He's been sleeping 5-7 hours before waking up for a feeding. We're both sleeping better and we're well rested and happy. I think it helps him too cause he's learning to comfort himself back to sleep. Making him a little more independent. In fact he's taken to sucking his thumb. I'm so proud of my big boy.

Logan is not going to be a big brother....yet

Logan had an appointment on Friday at his new Dr. It's the doc he's been assigned to from the Community Health Plan. It's nice cause it's super close.
WIC advised me earlier in the day I could get my birth control prescription refilled at his appointment.
The Doc was fine to do it but, said she would need to pee test me first just to make sure. I thought nothing of it. Then the nurse walked in the room with a concerning look on her face! I thought maybe she was messing with me. Then she looked from me to the Dr and said "Um....there's two lines. I mean, the 2nd line is like super light.. but, still....there's two". I couldn't do anything but nervous laugh... it MUST be a joke I thought.
Then they blood tested me to make sure. They said the results would be in Monday morning.
So, I went home and fell into Jeremy's arms bawling. His first reaction was that something was wrong with our baby. "Cassie.. hey, what's wrong?? Caaassssie...talk me please... what's wrong.. what happened?" "I might be PREGNANT." I howled.
     "Is that all?? It's okay...why are you crying??" "Cause I MIGHT BE PREGNANT! I don't wanna be pregnant yet." hello!
His thoughts were.. well, if we are it is what it is and if there is another baby in there we gotta take care of it and be happy.

All weekend I wondered and waited. I knew that my body was just NOT ready to go thru another pregnancy and labor. Plus, that would make our babies be about 13 months apart. Ridiculous. Not to mention the financial aspect. And most of all I was really depressed that I would be done making babies so soon. I loved being pregnant, and I totally LOVE having a baby. And of course we want Logan to be a big brother.. ONE DAY. That day is just not yet. Jeremy wants two and strictly TWO babies. So, the thought that my babies would be so close in age and I would be done with babies so soon really made me sad. Also, I knew it was not fair to Logan. He's our baby and he totally deserves his own time in the limelight. We would like about a two year age difference. It would also mean "missing out" on another summer. No traveling.. no camping.. no nothing once again cause of caring for a newborn.
So, whew boy am I relieved.
I was also worried what people might think of me. How my family may react. How irresponsible to get pregnant so soon. I am so grateful to just be a mommy of ONE for now.
Jeremy was dead set that if we had a boy he would name him Renegade Sly Betts. So...like I said THANK GOODNESS WE'RE NOT PREGNANT.

Doin the daycare thang

So, I needed to bring a little money into the household. Looking at our financial situation there was I few options I could pursue. I could try and go back to work full time. Meaning I would need to put Logan into full time day care, stressing about being away from him, worrying about getting him to take a bottle, being sad, and bringing home about $500-$800 a month after gas and daycare costs. Or I could only work on the weekends when Jeremy was home. Which still meant worrying about bottle feeding and having to pump on the job. Boo. And still looking to bring in just $400-$700 a month.

Or I could take the same route my mom took when my bro and I were babies and run a little daycare out of my own home! Ding Ding Ding. I put an ad on craigslist and talked to my sis about what's fair to charge for a home day care. I didn't get a lot of bites at first and the lady I met with initially just wanted a few sporadic days to be covered when she didn't have family to watch her daughter.

   But, the next momma I met with was a perfect fit! First time mom, just like me. And approaches childcare for her daughter the same way I would for Logan. She keeps using me more and more, and always tells me how much her and her daughter love me. It can be a little tiring watching two babies but, I feel so great that I am now bringing in a little money. Not only that I get to be home all day with my sweet little Logan. I get to nurse him and care for him and witness all his special silly moments. I am soooo happy. Being a mom.. a stay at home mom.. was what I was meant for.

Times they are a changin'

So, it's been almost 12 weeks since I've had to work... at a 'job'. Not that I haven't worked. I've been working at the hardest job I've ever had, as a stay at home mom. Too bad it doesn't pay the bills. We haven't been doing too bad thou. But, now we're falling behind. We're short on rent, short on the car payment, and medical bills just keep coming in.
  It wouldn't be too bad if Jeremy weren't getting garnished $400 a month for an old medical bill.

 We knew it was time to make some changes. Keren, Jeremy's pseudo mom, said she could maybe get him a job working with her company. Sure enough she set up the contacts and he now has a job as a roofer! It's going to be hard work. But, it comes with a significant pay raise. Unfortunately roofers don't really work much in the rain.
  So, I am no longer able to stay home all the time. I need to go back to my Reception job at Restaurant Depot on weekends when Jeremy will be home with Logan. **
   I'm not the kind of mom who can't wait to go back to work. I am not desperately seeking adult interaction. I'm not looking for a break. I love being a mom. I love being home with my son everyday. I love the fact that he has been nothing but breast fed since birth. I am going to miss him so very much when I am away from him all day. And although I will pump and he will still be able to have my milk when I'm away, it saddens me that he will have to drink from a bottle, which might affect our length of breastfeeding.

    Not only that but, now I found out that when I go back my wonderful boss will no longer be there. I have no idea what I am going to be going back into.

   So, yes times are defiantly changing and as usual we're rolling with the punches. Our motto has been for some time now, "We'll make it through we always do." and it's true.

**So, I had literally JUST written this blog and had it sitting on the computer waiting to be published when I get a call from Restaurant Depot. I am told that the weekend schedule I worked out with Bob is not being accepted and that I return full time M-F or not at all. So, who knows what's in store for me. But, for now I will take it as a sign that I am not meant to go back to work just yet.

A Boy and His Dog

Jab was so very excited when we brought his boy home! He gets up at night with him and he has to touch his nose to his body every morning as he wags his tail with excitement and looks toward me for approval. "Good Boy!" I say. Now that Logan is getting bigger he gets excited when he puts his baby boy hands on Jabs fur and he smiles his silly baby smile. I really can't wait to watch this relationship of dog and boy grow and blossom. I can see it now, Jab keeping watch over Logan as he crawls all around the house. I see him being kind and gentle when Logan is learning to walk and uses Jab to help get himself up or stop from falling down.

I can't wait

A Boy and His Dog

Edgar Guest

A boy and his dog make a glorious pair:

No better friendship is found anywhere,

For they talk and they walk and they run and they play,

And they have their deep secrets for many a day;

And that boy has a comrade who thinks and who feels,

Who walks down the road with a dog at his heels.

He may go where he will and his dog will be there,

May revel in mud and his dog will not care;

Faithful he'll stay for the slightest command

And bark with delight at the touch of his hand;

Oh, he owns a treasure which nobody steals,

Who walks down the road with a dog at his heels.

No other can lure him away from his side;

He's proof against riches and station and pride;

Fine dress does not charm him, and flattery's breath

Is lost on the dog, for he's faithful to death;

He sees the great soul which the body conceals--

Oh, it's great to be young with a dog at your heels!

Logans 2nd....and FINAL cast

After spending one week in his cast to better position his foot, it was to be removed before his next appointment. This removal was to be done at home. I was nervous about it, but as you can see in the picture here I had a worse time then he did. I breastfed him right before the removal so, he was pretty passed out when it started. The cast was made of fiberglass and easily peeled off. The difference before being casted and after the 1st cast was crazy. His foot looked almost totally normal. It did stink a little and there were some sore spots where the skin was folded.
  He didn't start to get upset until I had to remove the layer closest to his skin and the cotton that was in between the cast and his skin.

I just knew we would have good news at our second appointment.
We were told that this would most likely be his last cast!

We decided since this would be the last cast we would decorate it for him. Daddy wrote Weapon X on there and I drew a heart with 'Mom' in it like a tattoo. Ahmama also wrote, "Ahmama loves you" on his cast.

After his 2nd cast was removed and we went in for his next appointment we were indeed told that he would, at this point, need NO FURTHER TREATMENT! They asked us to return at 6-12 months and again at 2-3 years. We sure did get lucky. I started crying in the doctors office and he said "awww, are you okay?" "Tears of joy" Jeremy said, "She's crying tears of joy." and I was.

Logans 1st Orthopedic Appointment for his Clubfeet

Logan was born 7.14.2010 and his first Orthopedic appointment with Dr. Mosca at Seattle Childrens Hospital was 7.26.2010. We had already been educated on clubfoot and were told that he would have about 9 sets of casts, one a week. Then he would have his Achilles tendon severed and have a 3 week cast. After that would be a set of bar and shoe braces to keep the feet turned out. He would wear these for 23 hours a day for 3 months. Following the 3 months of braces he would need to wear them at night until the age of 4.

    We showed up at Logan's first appointment prepared of what his future treatment would consist of. We meant to get there early so we would have time to let Logan nurse and get him good and milk drunk before his appointment. However we weren't counting on the main route to the hospital being shut down. We made it in just enough time to check in.

    In our cranky mans true nature he was crying and fussing up a little storm as Dr. Mosca was checking out his feetsies. He said very hopefully, "This is one of the mildest cases of clubfoot I've ever seen!". Jeremy and I had known just from looking at his feet that it really wasn't bad but, hearing it from the expert was so exciting! Dr. Mosca went on to say that his right foot was a 1 out 6 on the clubfoot scale, and that his left was only a .5 out of 6!

   

He went on to cast Logan's right leg. Logan put up quite a fight. I mentioned to Dr. Mosca I meant to get there early enough to breastfeed him. He suggested after he was done casting the right foot that I should nurse him and that'd he'd come back and cast the left leg.

    When he returned he was manipulating Logan's left foot.

        "Boy, I am sure glad you nursed!" He said.

         "..This left foot isn't even clubbed at all. He was just tense. But, now that he's relaxed I see that this foot won't even need a cast."

We couldn't believe our ears! NO cast?? He went on to say that the right foot would probably only need one more cast! I asked, "and then the Achilles tendon cut?"

 "Oh Noooooo. No, no, no.." replied Dr. Mosca "..cases this mild don't need the tenotomy."

ven though our baby boy put up quite the fuss with his first cast, a cast that went from toes to groin. We were very proud of him and I couldn't help but well up with tears seeing only one cast and hearing his treatment was going to much quicker than anticipated!

Even thou in the pictures Logan's left foot still looks a little twisted in, the Dr ensured us that once he begins to walk he will flatten it out on his own.

After Birth

When the relief of hearing that first cry sunk in I sure wanted to hold my baby boy. But, other than the cord being wrapped around his neck there was meconium in his lungs. They kept listening for them to clear up. The next thing I knew there were a stream of firemen coming in my room! I heard the midwife fill them in. I asked if I could hold him. They told me I could but, the next thing I knew he was off in an ambulance with daddy.

I had to stay at the birthing center to be checked out and my heart ached so bad to hold my baby boy in my arms. Jeremy told me later that on the hospital ride the firemen were telling him "Don't worry man... we have kids... we're gonna save your son.. don't worry. We got him..".

After being stitched up (don't even get me started on that! Ouch!) and given a shot for hemorrhaging I FINALLY got to go to the hospital. I couldn't stop crying thinking about how badly I wanted to see him...my SON!

The moment I held him in my arms...I knew, he was the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen. And I knew, I would do anything for him. I opened up his blanket to peak at his clubfeet. I couldn't believe what I saw, "These don't look bad at all!" I said looking around the room for confirmation. Everyone said they same thing, "..yea, they look way better than I expected..". It was an unbelievable relief.

The hospital wanted to keep him overnight. But, then his protein in his blood count was 41 normal for a newborn is 0-3. So, there was definitely a problem with infection. We ended up having to stay at the hospital for 7 days! The one positive in that was I got a lot of advice from the nurses and the lactation consultant really helped Logan I get going strong on breastfeeding.

My little man was sure a talk of the nurses. They said he was one of the loudest/crankiest babies they'd ever seen. I told them they'd be cranky too if someone was poking them, and pumping antibiotics into their system every 4-6 hours! Towards the end Logan was being such a champ with the meds. Some of the pediatricians really got me upset, saying I needed to be giving him formula. But, guess what? Never did. Nope. All my baby ever had was momma's milk. His infection improved and although he had a bit of juandice it wasn't considered bad.

Finally we got to strap our baby boy into his car seat and bring him home!

We're a Family Now!

On Wednesday July 14th I had a scheduled 39 week check up with my midwife.

Jeremy went off to work and I stayed home waiting for my braxton hicks contractions, that had been going on for 2 days, to turn into something more. Work could see Jeremy was a nervous wreck and sent him home. We went walking to get things going. I tried to move my appointment up but, they were pretty booked.

Finally 5:30 pm we show up to the midwife with my mom in tow. She checked me and I was 3cm dialted. So, she manipulated my cervix a bit and sent me home saying I would be back in the middle of the night. She left me with these instructions:

Sleep, Eat, Drink Water, Soak in the tub.

Well, my contractions grew much stronger and that car ride back was intense. When we got home I wanted to follow only one instruction, sleep. But, my contractions grew stronger when I laid down. I asked Jeremy to run a bath and the next thing I knew my water broke!

Back to the midwife we went. Baby was posterior which caused some very painful contractions with hardly any break between them. They got me in the tub and before I knew it I felt the urge to push! They checked me again thinking it couldn't be. But, sure enouogh I was fully dialated and the head was already coming down. Babies heartrate dropped dangerously low. I had to get out of the tub and have my baby "on land". My midwife didn't make it in time for my birth. But, the backup midwife was on hand and telling me to push push push even when I wasn't even having a contraction!

Finally I pushed my baby out! I asked what it was...but, they couldn't even tell me because what it was, was in danger. There was no sweet baby first cry. The cord was double wrapped around it's neck and it wasn't breathing. Finally they told me I had a boy. So, that I could encourage him to breath. "C'mon Logan, breathe for mommy baby boy. C'mon baby boy....pllllleaaase?" It was the hardest 4 minutes of my entire life! But, finally I heard the sweetest sound.. my babies first cry.

Our baby Logan James Betts is here!!!

More Bad News

We went and saw our Midwife on Thursday. Since we're only about 8 weeks away appointments are more often. Darlene said this is when we would really get to talking about our birth plan. So, it's getting very exciting.
Well, that's not what was in store for this appointment.
Darlene sat us down and said "So, I received the letter and report from Eastside Maternal Fetal Medicine (EMFM)". She then paused and looked at us as if we knew where this was going. She then cautiously proceeded, "So, I guess I will not be able to see you anymore. They won't allow you to labor with me. They won't allow you to give birth outside of a hospital".
It took me a second to register that these words were even coming out of her mouth. I looked at Jeremy and he was turning bright red. We moved closer together and he wrapped his arms around me as I began to sob.
According to Darlene the letter Dr. Direct (which I now know is Dr. de Regt but, who cares) indicated that we were already aware of this. Darlene thought she was telling us something that we already knew! I mentioned the umbilical vein in the last blog. Well, in that appointment the Dr said it was nothing.. nothing, blew it off. But, in her report she makes it out to be a big problem. The medical term for it is Persistent Right Umbilical Vein. It is a rare anomaly that causes the umbilical vein to connect with the right portal vein and the portal sinus therefore curves towards the stomach rather that away from it. The fetal gallbladder thus is placed between the umbilical vein and the stomach. PRUV may be due to teratogens, thrombosis, syndromic anomalies, and chromosomal anomalies in only about 20% of reported cases. In the remaining 80% it appears to be an isolated finding with no significance. But, if you lined up 100 pregnant ladies and told 20 there would be complications with there baby, that's pretty high odds. That's why we are now being labeled "high risk".
Her report went on to say "She also has not had a fetal echo cardiogram which we could arrange, mostly because she wouldn't be a candidate for out of hospital birth. I will plan echo at the time of scheduled 36 week appt next visit or if we should do it earlier to help arrange delivery plan, then she can be seen earlier."
Well, I called EMFM to tell them how I felt about Dr. de Regt and to make an earlier appointment for the echo. And guess what. The receptionist wouldn't reschedule it because the Dr wasn't there and she needed her permission! Was I not holding the report from the Dr that said we could do it earlier so I can arrange a new birth plan?
So, now I am stuck in this limbo. It's the weekend but, as soon as Monday rolls back around it's back to making phone calls. Back to researching hospitals, and who has the lowest c-section rate so my baby isn't yanked out through my belly. Back to worrying about things we won't even know until baby gets here like, if the hand is okay, and the heart, and if the baby has circulation issues. Back to trying to schedule an earlier echo somewhere else. Back to madness.

What Now?

We had another appointment with the specialists at Eastside Maternal Fetal Medicine at around our 30 week mark. This time my mommy came along to see the little Wonky one on the screen herself. It was so nice to have her along.
We got a different doctor then last time and a different ultrasound tech as well. At first the tech was saying he could only really see the clubfoot on the left foot. Couldn't confirm the right. I also noticed he kept looking at the stomach. It was somewhat of an alarm to me because I remember at the very first ultrasound how they kept looking at the feet. Trying to get better views and better shots. And we know how that turned out. Then the Dr. came in. Dr. Direct. She was this flowy, hippy lady with a long purple scarf draped over her shoulder. She had a very gentle demeanor to her. Almost too gentle. She hardly even pressed down on my belly with the ultrasound wand, causing the picture to be kinda misty and gray.
I pointed out to her that the tech didn't really take a look at the hands at all, which had been a concern at our previous appointment. When she started to look at the hands the left one was just fine, even grabbing and pulling at the left foot which was funny. But every time she tried to look at the right hand, the wrist was cocked in a downward position fingers pointing down, with no movement in the wrist or fingers. She went back to the hand several times, always with the same result. The doctor also pointed out that yes, even thou the tech couldn't see it the clubfoot was present on both feet. I noticed she was going to the stomach a lot too. So, I just asked. "Why are we looking at the stomach so much?" because.."something was off with the blood vessels" she said. She ran a few different blood flow tests to see the color and hear the sound. We were all waiting anxiously with our breath held. She spent forever.. it seemed like 10 mins just looking at the stomach alone. Only to tell us that all fetuses start off with 2 umbilical veins and then as they grow one dissipates and then after they're born the other one goes away as well. But, that our baby still had 2 umbilical veins which was "Unusual but, not life threatening and would there be a problem with blood flow or anything? No. It's just an indicator that something else could be wrong with the baby, but in this case we already know it has clubfoot." How frustrating! Keeping us all in suspense.. for what? She said in her light airy voice "Sorry to raise the anxiety level in here. Haha. Just wanted to check it out."
Then back to the hands. Same thing. Left one fine, clenching, opening, moving around. Right one totally absent of movement. Fingers still pointed downward. She said something about it being more than clubfoot. About, how the baby could have a skeletal problem. But, we wouldn't really know more until after the baby was born.

Later Jeremy told me he was proud of me for how I reacted to the news at the appointment. "About the hand?" I asked. "Yes.." he said "..you didn't cry or anything.." "Well, the way I see it is no matter what it's our baby. And it already has to be fixed right? So, whaddya gonna do?"

There's bound to be some hiccups along the way...

In this clip you can see our baby has the hiccups. Also, toward the end is where you see the baby's twisted clubfoot.

Finding out

My boyfriend Jeremy and I, since first finding out we were pregnant, have been completely for a natural birth. We chose a midwife that I trusted, having known her through my sister using her for her birth. Having a birth in a Birthing Center vs. a Hospital has also been a really big must for us. My midwife, Darlene informed us that we would be having our first ultrasound at around 22 weeks! This was to be our first and only ultrasound, she stressed, "unless medical need necessitated".
It was so exciting to see our baby wriggling around on the screen! Another choice we had made was to leave the sex of the baby a surprise and the ultrasound technician was so nice about avoiding that area. She was however having some problems getting a good shot of both babies feet and legs. I didn't think much of it until a week or so later my midwifes office was calling saying I needed to go and have my ultrasound re-done. A little bit of panic quickly set in as I had been told I wouldn't be going back unless it was for medical need. They assured me it was to just get some better shots of babies feet.
The 2nd ultrasound felt totally different than the first. It was not as happy and joyous "oh look there's your babies nose!". The tech, the same one who had done the initial, was very quiet and focused. I knew something was up so I asked, "Why are we back here?" To which she replied "welll, the foot looks a little twisted." "Twisted?? Like, as in Clubfoot?" I ask. She looks at me surprised that I would just go there. I tell her, "My uncle has clubfoot.." "...Ohhhhhhh then that's probably definitely what we're seeing. It's genetic."
It was such a shock. A million thoughts at once began racing through my head as I just tried and hold it all in. Tears started falling down my face. I've heard the stories of what my now 40 year old uncle had to go through. In fact he had to have reconstructive surgery not that many years ago.
We left the ultrasound room with no pictures this time. I fell right into Jeremy's loving arms and just began to sob.
"This can't be.."
"Why our baby?"
"It's got to be wrong!"

So, many thoughts racing through my head. In the meantime. Poor Jeremy didn't even know what I was crying about. He had no idea what clubfoot was.

Clubfoot is a deformity causing the affected foot or feet to turn inward and downward. Often the Achilles tendon is to short as well.

Jeremy was silent at first. I wasn't sure what to make of this. I was so sad and worried and I was afraid that he wouldn't be as excited about the baby anymore learning this news. But then he looked me in the eye and told me "This is still our baby! I will love it no matter what!" and I just melted. What strength he had!

We happened to have a midwife appointment that same day. Darlene was so non-chalent about the whole thing. Saying she had delivered a clubfooted baby "just last week". She talked with us about how great Seattle Children's hospital was and how everything would be just fine. She made an appointment for us to go to Eastside Maternal Fetal Medicine to get a more in depth ultrasound and have a consultation with a genetics counselor.

It was over a week between that appointment and the one at EMFM. The first two days I just would cry at the drop of a hat but, the more I thought "It could be wrong!" the more excited I got. Even the ultrasound tech had said the baby could just be sitting in there funny! I let positive thought and high hopes take over. I was sooo nervous on the drive over to EMFM I was almost 26 weeks pregnant but, it was the first time in my pregnancy I thought I might hurl.

The ultrasound room was beautiful and comfortable. There was a big flat screen in front of us where we could clearly see baby. At first it seemed to all be going to so well. I had even seen the foot and thought, "looks okay to me! We're gonna get goooood news!". Then the ultrasound tech asked "So, what foot did they think it was?" we told her the left. Shortly after that, very casually she said "Well, I am definitely seeing the clubfoot and it's on both feet."

Wait... What?

Both feet??? Bilateral clubfoot?

I know that news shouldn't have been any more difficult or shocking to hear but it was. I couldn't hold back my tears and my sweet Jeremy wiped them away and kissed my face and fingertips and just kept whispering to me "..it's going to be okay. We can do this. We can get through this together. Our baby is going to love us sooo much."

It was hard for me to even talk but, I wanted to call my granma. She had been through this with her baby after all. Jeremy and I also called in to work to take a personal day. I called and spoke with other members of my family all who were very compassionate, understanding, and supportive. We went home and he let me just cry whenever I needed. He passed out on the couch for 3 hours showing me how hard this was on him too even though he was being so strong for me.

That day and the day after we're rough on me. I felt guilty for all the selfish thoughts in my head. At the time it felt sooo tragic. But, the more I spoke about it and got it out and better I felt. The more I realized I could be a strong mommy and handle this. It wasn't going to be the end of the world. We were just going to have a Wonky Footed baby. Plus, I had had such an enjoyable pregnancy and with over 3 months to go I didn't want to loose that. To loose my "glow".

Now I want to write this blog to help get out my thoughts and feelings and maybe to help other Mommy's finding out there baby has clubfoot.