What Now?

We had another appointment with the specialists at Eastside Maternal Fetal Medicine at around our 30 week mark. This time my mommy came along to see the little Wonky one on the screen herself. It was so nice to have her along.
We got a different doctor then last time and a different ultrasound tech as well. At first the tech was saying he could only really see the clubfoot on the left foot. Couldn't confirm the right. I also noticed he kept looking at the stomach. It was somewhat of an alarm to me because I remember at the very first ultrasound how they kept looking at the feet. Trying to get better views and better shots. And we know how that turned out. Then the Dr. came in. Dr. Direct. She was this flowy, hippy lady with a long purple scarf draped over her shoulder. She had a very gentle demeanor to her. Almost too gentle. She hardly even pressed down on my belly with the ultrasound wand, causing the picture to be kinda misty and gray.
I pointed out to her that the tech didn't really take a look at the hands at all, which had been a concern at our previous appointment. When she started to look at the hands the left one was just fine, even grabbing and pulling at the left foot which was funny. But every time she tried to look at the right hand, the wrist was cocked in a downward position fingers pointing down, with no movement in the wrist or fingers. She went back to the hand several times, always with the same result. The doctor also pointed out that yes, even thou the tech couldn't see it the clubfoot was present on both feet. I noticed she was going to the stomach a lot too. So, I just asked. "Why are we looking at the stomach so much?" because.."something was off with the blood vessels" she said. She ran a few different blood flow tests to see the color and hear the sound. We were all waiting anxiously with our breath held. She spent forever.. it seemed like 10 mins just looking at the stomach alone. Only to tell us that all fetuses start off with 2 umbilical veins and then as they grow one dissipates and then after they're born the other one goes away as well. But, that our baby still had 2 umbilical veins which was "Unusual but, not life threatening and would there be a problem with blood flow or anything? No. It's just an indicator that something else could be wrong with the baby, but in this case we already know it has clubfoot." How frustrating! Keeping us all in suspense.. for what? She said in her light airy voice "Sorry to raise the anxiety level in here. Haha. Just wanted to check it out."
Then back to the hands. Same thing. Left one fine, clenching, opening, moving around. Right one totally absent of movement. Fingers still pointed downward. She said something about it being more than clubfoot. About, how the baby could have a skeletal problem. But, we wouldn't really know more until after the baby was born.

Later Jeremy told me he was proud of me for how I reacted to the news at the appointment. "About the hand?" I asked. "Yes.." he said "..you didn't cry or anything.." "Well, the way I see it is no matter what it's our baby. And it already has to be fixed right? So, whaddya gonna do?"

Finding out

My boyfriend Jeremy and I, since first finding out we were pregnant, have been completely for a natural birth. We chose a midwife that I trusted, having known her through my sister using her for her birth. Having a birth in a Birthing Center vs. a Hospital has also been a really big must for us. My midwife, Darlene informed us that we would be having our first ultrasound at around 22 weeks! This was to be our first and only ultrasound, she stressed, "unless medical need necessitated".
It was so exciting to see our baby wriggling around on the screen! Another choice we had made was to leave the sex of the baby a surprise and the ultrasound technician was so nice about avoiding that area. She was however having some problems getting a good shot of both babies feet and legs. I didn't think much of it until a week or so later my midwifes office was calling saying I needed to go and have my ultrasound re-done. A little bit of panic quickly set in as I had been told I wouldn't be going back unless it was for medical need. They assured me it was to just get some better shots of babies feet.
The 2nd ultrasound felt totally different than the first. It was not as happy and joyous "oh look there's your babies nose!". The tech, the same one who had done the initial, was very quiet and focused. I knew something was up so I asked, "Why are we back here?" To which she replied "welll, the foot looks a little twisted." "Twisted?? Like, as in Clubfoot?" I ask. She looks at me surprised that I would just go there. I tell her, "My uncle has clubfoot.." "...Ohhhhhhh then that's probably definitely what we're seeing. It's genetic."
It was such a shock. A million thoughts at once began racing through my head as I just tried and hold it all in. Tears started falling down my face. I've heard the stories of what my now 40 year old uncle had to go through. In fact he had to have reconstructive surgery not that many years ago.
We left the ultrasound room with no pictures this time. I fell right into Jeremy's loving arms and just began to sob.
"This can't be.."
"Why our baby?"
"It's got to be wrong!"

So, many thoughts racing through my head. In the meantime. Poor Jeremy didn't even know what I was crying about. He had no idea what clubfoot was.

Clubfoot is a deformity causing the affected foot or feet to turn inward and downward. Often the Achilles tendon is to short as well.

Jeremy was silent at first. I wasn't sure what to make of this. I was so sad and worried and I was afraid that he wouldn't be as excited about the baby anymore learning this news. But then he looked me in the eye and told me "This is still our baby! I will love it no matter what!" and I just melted. What strength he had!

We happened to have a midwife appointment that same day. Darlene was so non-chalent about the whole thing. Saying she had delivered a clubfooted baby "just last week". She talked with us about how great Seattle Children's hospital was and how everything would be just fine. She made an appointment for us to go to Eastside Maternal Fetal Medicine to get a more in depth ultrasound and have a consultation with a genetics counselor.

It was over a week between that appointment and the one at EMFM. The first two days I just would cry at the drop of a hat but, the more I thought "It could be wrong!" the more excited I got. Even the ultrasound tech had said the baby could just be sitting in there funny! I let positive thought and high hopes take over. I was sooo nervous on the drive over to EMFM I was almost 26 weeks pregnant but, it was the first time in my pregnancy I thought I might hurl.

The ultrasound room was beautiful and comfortable. There was a big flat screen in front of us where we could clearly see baby. At first it seemed to all be going to so well. I had even seen the foot and thought, "looks okay to me! We're gonna get goooood news!". Then the ultrasound tech asked "So, what foot did they think it was?" we told her the left. Shortly after that, very casually she said "Well, I am definitely seeing the clubfoot and it's on both feet."

Wait... What?

Both feet??? Bilateral clubfoot?

I know that news shouldn't have been any more difficult or shocking to hear but it was. I couldn't hold back my tears and my sweet Jeremy wiped them away and kissed my face and fingertips and just kept whispering to me "..it's going to be okay. We can do this. We can get through this together. Our baby is going to love us sooo much."

It was hard for me to even talk but, I wanted to call my granma. She had been through this with her baby after all. Jeremy and I also called in to work to take a personal day. I called and spoke with other members of my family all who were very compassionate, understanding, and supportive. We went home and he let me just cry whenever I needed. He passed out on the couch for 3 hours showing me how hard this was on him too even though he was being so strong for me.

That day and the day after we're rough on me. I felt guilty for all the selfish thoughts in my head. At the time it felt sooo tragic. But, the more I spoke about it and got it out and better I felt. The more I realized I could be a strong mommy and handle this. It wasn't going to be the end of the world. We were just going to have a Wonky Footed baby. Plus, I had had such an enjoyable pregnancy and with over 3 months to go I didn't want to loose that. To loose my "glow".

Now I want to write this blog to help get out my thoughts and feelings and maybe to help other Mommy's finding out there baby has clubfoot.