In this clip you can see our baby has the hiccups. Also, toward the end is where you see the baby's twisted clubfoot.
4.19.2010
Finding out
My boyfriend Jeremy and I, since first finding out we were pregnant, have been completely for a natural birth. We chose a midwife that I trusted, having known her through my sister using her for her birth. Having a birth in a Birthing Center vs. a Hospital has also been a really big must for us. My midwife, Darlene informed us that we would be having our first ultrasound at around 22 weeks! This was to be our first and only ultrasound, she stressed, "unless medical need necessitated".
It was so exciting to see our baby wriggling around on the screen! Another choice we had made was to leave the sex of the baby a surprise and the ultrasound technician was so nice about avoiding that area. She was however having some problems getting a good shot of both babies feet and legs. I didn't think much of it until a week or so later my midwifes office was calling saying I needed to go and have my ultrasound re-done. A little bit of panic quickly set in as I had been told I wouldn't be going back unless it was for medical need. They assured me it was to just get some better shots of babies feet.
The 2nd ultrasound felt totally different than the first. It was not as happy and joyous "oh look there's your babies nose!". The tech, the same one who had done the initial, was very quiet and focused. I knew something was up so I asked, "Why are we back here?" To which she replied "welll, the foot looks a little twisted." "Twisted?? Like, as in Clubfoot?" I ask. She looks at me surprised that I would just go there. I tell her, "My uncle has clubfoot.." "...Ohhhhhhh then that's probably definitely what we're seeing. It's genetic."
It was such a shock. A million thoughts at once began racing through my head as I just tried and hold it all in. Tears started falling down my face. I've heard the stories of what my now 40 year old uncle had to go through. In fact he had to have reconstructive surgery not that many years ago.
We left the ultrasound room with no pictures this time. I fell right into Jeremy's loving arms and just began to sob.
"This can't be.."
"Why our baby?"
"It's got to be wrong!"
So, many thoughts racing through my head. In the meantime. Poor Jeremy didn't even know what I was crying about. He had no idea what clubfoot was.
Clubfoot is a deformity causing the affected foot or feet to turn inward and downward. Often the Achilles tendon is to short as well.
Jeremy was silent at first. I wasn't sure what to make of this. I was so sad and worried and I was afraid that he wouldn't be as excited about the baby anymore learning this news. But then he looked me in the eye and told me "This is still our baby! I will love it no matter what!" and I just melted. What strength he had!
We happened to have a midwife appointment that same day. Darlene was so non-chalent about the whole thing. Saying she had delivered a clubfooted baby "just last week". She talked with us about how great Seattle Children's hospital was and how everything would be just fine. She made an appointment for us to go to Eastside Maternal Fetal Medicine to get a more in depth ultrasound and have a consultation with a genetics counselor.
It was over a week between that appointment and the one at EMFM. The first two days I just would cry at the drop of a hat but, the more I thought "It could be wrong!" the more excited I got. Even the ultrasound tech had said the baby could just be sitting in there funny! I let positive thought and high hopes take over. I was sooo nervous on the drive over to EMFM I was almost 26 weeks pregnant but, it was the first time in my pregnancy I thought I might hurl.
The ultrasound room was beautiful and comfortable. There was a big flat screen in front of us where we could clearly see baby. At first it seemed to all be going to so well. I had even seen the foot and thought, "looks okay to me! We're gonna get goooood news!". Then the ultrasound tech asked "So, what foot did they think it was?" we told her the left. Shortly after that, very casually she said "Well, I am definitely seeing the clubfoot and it's on both feet."
Wait... What?
Both feet??? Bilateral clubfoot?
I know that news shouldn't have been any more difficult or shocking to hear but it was. I couldn't hold back my tears and my sweet Jeremy wiped them away and kissed my face and fingertips and just kept whispering to me "..it's going to be okay. We can do this. We can get through this together. Our baby is going to love us sooo much."
It was hard for me to even talk but, I wanted to call my granma. She had been through this with her baby after all. Jeremy and I also called in to work to take a personal day. I called and spoke with other members of my family all who were very compassionate, understanding, and supportive. We went home and he let me just cry whenever I needed. He passed out on the couch for 3 hours showing me how hard this was on him too even though he was being so strong for me.
That day and the day after we're rough on me. I felt guilty for all the selfish thoughts in my head. At the time it felt sooo tragic. But, the more I spoke about it and got it out and better I felt. The more I realized I could be a strong mommy and handle this. It wasn't going to be the end of the world. We were just going to have a Wonky Footed baby. Plus, I had had such an enjoyable pregnancy and with over 3 months to go I didn't want to loose that. To loose my "glow".
Now I want to write this blog to help get out my thoughts and feelings and maybe to help other Mommy's finding out there baby has clubfoot.
It was so exciting to see our baby wriggling around on the screen! Another choice we had made was to leave the sex of the baby a surprise and the ultrasound technician was so nice about avoiding that area. She was however having some problems getting a good shot of both babies feet and legs. I didn't think much of it until a week or so later my midwifes office was calling saying I needed to go and have my ultrasound re-done. A little bit of panic quickly set in as I had been told I wouldn't be going back unless it was for medical need. They assured me it was to just get some better shots of babies feet.
The 2nd ultrasound felt totally different than the first. It was not as happy and joyous "oh look there's your babies nose!". The tech, the same one who had done the initial, was very quiet and focused. I knew something was up so I asked, "Why are we back here?" To which she replied "welll, the foot looks a little twisted." "Twisted?? Like, as in Clubfoot?" I ask. She looks at me surprised that I would just go there. I tell her, "My uncle has clubfoot.." "...Ohhhhhhh then that's probably definitely what we're seeing. It's genetic."
It was such a shock. A million thoughts at once began racing through my head as I just tried and hold it all in. Tears started falling down my face. I've heard the stories of what my now 40 year old uncle had to go through. In fact he had to have reconstructive surgery not that many years ago.
We left the ultrasound room with no pictures this time. I fell right into Jeremy's loving arms and just began to sob.
"This can't be.."
"Why our baby?"
"It's got to be wrong!"
So, many thoughts racing through my head. In the meantime. Poor Jeremy didn't even know what I was crying about. He had no idea what clubfoot was.
Clubfoot is a deformity causing the affected foot or feet to turn inward and downward. Often the Achilles tendon is to short as well.
Jeremy was silent at first. I wasn't sure what to make of this. I was so sad and worried and I was afraid that he wouldn't be as excited about the baby anymore learning this news. But then he looked me in the eye and told me "This is still our baby! I will love it no matter what!" and I just melted. What strength he had!
We happened to have a midwife appointment that same day. Darlene was so non-chalent about the whole thing. Saying she had delivered a clubfooted baby "just last week". She talked with us about how great Seattle Children's hospital was and how everything would be just fine. She made an appointment for us to go to Eastside Maternal Fetal Medicine to get a more in depth ultrasound and have a consultation with a genetics counselor.
It was over a week between that appointment and the one at EMFM. The first two days I just would cry at the drop of a hat but, the more I thought "It could be wrong!" the more excited I got. Even the ultrasound tech had said the baby could just be sitting in there funny! I let positive thought and high hopes take over. I was sooo nervous on the drive over to EMFM I was almost 26 weeks pregnant but, it was the first time in my pregnancy I thought I might hurl.
The ultrasound room was beautiful and comfortable. There was a big flat screen in front of us where we could clearly see baby. At first it seemed to all be going to so well. I had even seen the foot and thought, "looks okay to me! We're gonna get goooood news!". Then the ultrasound tech asked "So, what foot did they think it was?" we told her the left. Shortly after that, very casually she said "Well, I am definitely seeing the clubfoot and it's on both feet."
Wait... What?
Both feet??? Bilateral clubfoot?
I know that news shouldn't have been any more difficult or shocking to hear but it was. I couldn't hold back my tears and my sweet Jeremy wiped them away and kissed my face and fingertips and just kept whispering to me "..it's going to be okay. We can do this. We can get through this together. Our baby is going to love us sooo much."
It was hard for me to even talk but, I wanted to call my granma. She had been through this with her baby after all. Jeremy and I also called in to work to take a personal day. I called and spoke with other members of my family all who were very compassionate, understanding, and supportive. We went home and he let me just cry whenever I needed. He passed out on the couch for 3 hours showing me how hard this was on him too even though he was being so strong for me.
That day and the day after we're rough on me. I felt guilty for all the selfish thoughts in my head. At the time it felt sooo tragic. But, the more I spoke about it and got it out and better I felt. The more I realized I could be a strong mommy and handle this. It wasn't going to be the end of the world. We were just going to have a Wonky Footed baby. Plus, I had had such an enjoyable pregnancy and with over 3 months to go I didn't want to loose that. To loose my "glow".
Now I want to write this blog to help get out my thoughts and feelings and maybe to help other Mommy's finding out there baby has clubfoot.
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